During our after-dinner review of the day, I told my taller half that the fundamental difference between us is that he accepts reality as it is – not always happily, as he does complain an awful lot about an awful lot. But he just complains, he doesn’t fight it.
I, on the other hand, am always messing with the moment, editing as I experience. While in the middle of a task, I’m tweaking my actions to be more efficient. I tweak my space to be more beautiful. I tweak every conversation to be ever more eloquent. To this soliloquy, my husband replied, “That sounds exhausting.“ He’s not wrong.
The act of making things better has its benevolent roots – who doesn’t want to improve their life? But the execution can be tricky, at least the way I do it. Also, in trying to make things more beautiful and pleasing, I miss a lot.
I miss the here and now. I’m trading a pleasing now for a potentially perfect future, and I’m losing my sense of wonder in the process. I can hear my mother say, “Just let it be, Terr. It doesn’t need to be perfect.” She wasn’t wrong.
It’s not efficiency that’s at issue, it’s the execution. I can be spot-on at prioritizing my meditation, exercise, and mindful eating, and all is well. Or I can strive for efficiency at all costs. My execution of this is like the definition of the term itself, it can either be precision or destruction.
Since I’ve been tweaking my reality for as long as I can remember, why is this coming up now? I believe it’s the heightened awareness afforded by my education in MBSR. I’m now practicing moment-to-moment awareness, and I’m noticing how I treat those moments—I have a micromanaging habit that no longer serves me.
I can’t show up in my life if I’m exhausted. I can, however, notice how I feel in the midst of the doing. If I’m calm and clear, I’m in the here and now, practicing awareness of my body and its energy stores, as well as what to do next with that energy.
With enough noticing practice, I can choose to direct my attention toward something that grows me as a person and away from things that wear me out, such as other people's opinions on social media or solving the problems of my grown-ass-adult kids.
Staying in the future or other people’s business is not evolved, and I want to evolve how I treat my precious energy. When I gather my attention, it allows me to change things that really need changing. As for the rest, I can just let it be.
XO
Terri
