I had an epiphany the other day while I was journaling, yes another one! When I began coaching teens in 2014, I had a lot of rules. In preparation for our calls, I created a list of tools I might use each session. I had bullet points of prompts, so our time together would go smoothly. It was a map for the trip we would take together with each call.
But sometimes the client wanted to travel a different route. Sometimes she missed sessions, and I was faced with a choice: Do I wait and see if she decides to move forward, or do I keep urging her?
I knew from experience with my own teenagers that constant urging, even from a loving place, was not helpful. Pushing your agenda with teenagers does not work, and pushing your agenda harder works even less.
Teenagers know what you want from them. You don’t need to say it over and over.
I decided to let this client know it was perfectly fine if she wasn’t ready right now, no judgment. We could pick it up when she was ready. She responded that she wanted to go forward. On our next call, I just held space for her, no road map. I sat in a place of close, attentive listening, and all I did was ask questions. I only chimed in when she needed me.
The flow was divine! When we ended, I thanked her for being so honest, and we set the next date. That act of just holding space, asking questions, and then listening with my heart wide open, had an almost mystical quality.
Attention without an agenda has that effect.
After my trip down memory lane, I thought, “Why can’t I do this for my own inner teenager?“ All she wants is my undivided attention. She too just wants me to hold space for her to be sad, or mad, or giddy with excitement about small things.
Instead of shushing her and pushing to the next adult task, what if I let her dawdle a bit? With her unfettered curiosity, she might show me a few things about creativity!
Supporting my inner teen is part of a plan to shift attention towards my inner life, instead of obsessing over my outer life and the baffling actions of some of its citizens.
This shift comforts me, as I know from many years of coaching that my inner life is where I’m the only conductor. And each destination’s landscape can be warmed by the glow of contentment, if I just stop pushing.
XO
Terri
