Middle school was not easy. As you can see in the photo, I was plump and had braces—the glasses and raging acne are not evident in the picture. Being plump was not pleasing!
The first time I can remember thinking I was fat was when my mom fostered a brother and sister who were 10 and 16 years old, respectively. Since she had a built-in babysitter, my mom would leave me alone with our new housemates a lot. The first time she left, they sang the lovely ditty, “Fatty fatty 2 x 4” as an opening salvo.
I didn’t think I was different, but having two interlopers chant at me in my own home made an impression. That began the “struggle with my weight”—I was eight years old.
The soundtrack for my life has been, “Do I look fat?” Sometimes the answer was “yes”, sometimes “no“. There was no rhyme or reason because my body dysmorphia was so ingrained.
As an adult, I have felt proud as a size 6 and equally terrified of gaining the weight back. And when I was a size 12, I couldn't stand to look in a mirror. Yet neither size is ME!
The best part of me is on the inside. Why should I spend so much time and energy ingesting messaging from a fat-phobic culture that’s filled with “fat” people? Aren’t we all just people trying to do our best no matter what the scale or our clothing size says about us?
Right now, I’m a size 8 to a 12 depending on the clothing. I am strong, walking 5 miles without a lot of drama and playing with my grandkids, even hefting my adorable chunky grandson!
This past weekend, I visited that grandson, his sister, and two of my daughters (and their menfolk). My youngest took a video of me drying the lettuce in a dish towel * (what was I supposed to do with no lettuce spinner!).
On the plane, I thought I had gained weight, but in the video, I looked fit. And it was like the sun came out in my cloudy brain. “Huh, if I look fine, why all the angst, dieting, and discipline? WTF have I been doing with my precious energy striving for some ideal that isn’t even accurate?!“
All that punishment to attain some “other” me is just a load of poppycock (not the delicious caramel kind)! Why do most dieters put the weight back on? Because dieting and stressful workouts are not sustainable.
They are out of integrity with health, peace, and joy. I’m not willing to spend any more of my time on a war against myself! I’m dropping the rope, as 53 years and 10 months is long enough!
XO
Terri
*If you’d like to see the salad spinning video CLICK HERE. Tell me your “weight struggle” story HERE, and please love yourself right now, because who you are is just right!
